Sup girl. The name is Zander - Zander Slate. Yea, this is my real voice, raspy like a pitbull choking on a salamander. That turn you on? No? Not yet? It will.
I'm here to pick you up for our night on the town. I thought it'd be great for us to see the sunset, count the stars, and watch the moon rise over the city of angels. Luckily, we can do all of these things from the safety and comfort of my 2004 Volvo S60 sedan. Yea, it's the black one I'm sitting in right now, while you're still standing outside the passenger window, contemplating whether or not this blind date was a good idea to agree to. Trust me, you'll thank our mutual friend Leonard at a later date.
By the way, I don't have much money right now, I'm going through a pretty hard time. Just wanted to get that out there at the beginning, because I'm an open, caring person who loves to share their soul, and I can already tell we may be joined at the bosom for years to come.
Truth be told, my mid-twenties have hit me harder than the mid-twenties hit rural America. You know, the Great Depression. Or as I like to call it, the Big Sadness. See what I did there? That's a joke. I do comedy on the side of my part-time job as a bouncy-house operator. You might not laugh now, but that punchline will land with you later while you're sleeping...in my bed.
Wait don't go anywhere, that was just another joke I was adding to the conversation. Let's get this date night started. Have you ever seen the beautiful sun set over the hills of LA while moving at the speed of a peaceful breeze? No? Good, because we're headed straight into traffic on the 405-North at 7pm on the dot. Perfect time to grab a glimpse of those amazing colors. Don't mind the brown and grey, that's just smog from this overpopulated city, baby.
No, I don't have air conditioning, I don't believe in false air - it takes all the real sensations out of breathing the life forces that surround us. Also, my AC has been broken for about three years, and I haven't been able to pay to fix it just yet.
Don't touch that dial! Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Unless, you like being startled...no? Ok, sorry. But seriously, don't touch the radio knobs. They tend to spark when people's fingers create fiction.
You having a good time so far? I know we've been sitting in this merge lane for the last 17 minutes, but I promise it only gets better from here. Look up there! It's the Hollywood sign! Have you ever seen it before? Bet you nev- oh, you have. That's right, you live in LA.
Well, we made it. We're officially on the 405-North, and the sun has set. Guess it's time to kick this night into high gear...
Uh-oh. Looks like I'm low on gas. Forgot my fuel gauge is broken. Would you mind pushing the car to that gas station while I take the wheel? Thanks baby.
Sure, I'll stop calling you baby.
Alright, we made it. Would you mind chipping in a few bucks to cover the gas? I was hoping we could go dutch on this first date, then maybe switch off starting with you for the next one. Wait, where are you going? You jumping in a cab to go grab us some food? Was that a middle finger or the thumbs-up sign?
Damn, I gotta thank Leonard for hooking me up, that went way further than the last one.
No comments:
Post a Comment